I had grown weary and bored with helping others, burned out. I rarely got the results hoped for. My advice went unheeded most of the time. And worse, I had been blamed at times for meddling in others’ affairs. Admittedly, I took some secret delight …
Read MoreIDENTIFYING ILLUSION
I labored under many illusions, not the least of which was the idea that I could actually become the idealized image which I had created in order to survive. Given enough time, I would realize all the lofty notions which I rehearsed; I would have …
Read MoreCHOOSING MY OWN VALUES
Having been raised in an alcoholic home, I created a ‘value’ system primarily designed to keep me alive. I rarely had a conscious choice in the matter of morality. I merely made up strategies as I went along. I adapted. The television provided a package …
Read MoreCARING ABOUT OTHERS
I cared more about other’s approval than I cared about others. And yet, there were times when I ‘sacrificed’ myself to help. My primary concern was to avoid conflict. I sought out relationships where I was either the one needing support or the indispensable one …
Read MoreRESPONDING TO EMOTION
To appear ‘fine’, I denied my feelings and emotions. When one is struggling to stay alive, pausing to ‘get in touch’ with how one is feeling is not an option.I reacted and I moved on. The time in between challenging events seemed to grow shorter …
Read MoreANCHORING MYSELF
There were times when I attached myself to various scenarios, hoping to feel connected. Whether I was the one calling the shots or the one reacting to the shots being called, the outcome seemed better than the alternative: being all alone, being unemployed, or being …
Read MoreEMBRACING THE PRESENT MOMENT
I spent a lot of time pining over the past or worrying about the future. I rarely enjoyed a moment’s rest. My mind constantly reviewed past actions involving myself and others. I was not guilty one day, and then, guilty the next. Back and forth …
Read MoreDEALING WITH INNER CONFLICT
I had operated for a long time with specific beliefs regarding how I should act all the time. Most of these ideas revolved around three basic approaches when dealing with others: complying, resisting, or withdrawing. In the beginning, I sampled all three. Eventually, I would …
Read MoreBEING GOOD TO MYSELF
I had drifted into a state unconscious emotional disturbance, wafting between depression and anxiety, ashamed of what had happened, worried about what might happen. I engaged in a regular practice of hating myself or blaming others. I distracted myself with all kinds of behavior, not …
Read MorePRAYING
I was a religious person: attended church, read the bible, and said my prayers. Always more interested in the outcome rather than the process, I requested, even demanded, certain conditions: make me more saintly, send money for the rent, give me better grades, guide me …
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