I had operated for a long time with specific beliefs regarding how I should act all the time. Most of these ideas revolved around three basic approaches when dealing with others: complying, resisting, or withdrawing. In the beginning, I sampled all three. Eventually, I would pick one.
I ‘evolved’ to the extent that I created over time a rather permanent false self, hell bent that I perform perfectly all the time. For example: I should always be thoughtful of others, kind to strangers, charitable toward others, etc. In other words, I should always be a compliant, ‘loving’ person. At the same time, the other two approaches were operating in the background. When the time came to stand up for myself and resist injustice, I often felt unable to respond and when I did respond, I felt ashamed; ‘Loving people never fight.’ The same was true of withdrawing from others, which I saw as neglect; ‘Kind people never withdraw support.’ The point is simply this:
I was damned if I did perform according to the false self’s dictate and I was damned if I didn’t. I was in conflict most of the time.
Thanks to reviewing my old ideas by taking the Fourth and Fifth Steps, I am realizing a new idea: all three approaches can operate at the same time; indeed, it is natural. There are times when I comply to get along with others, no shame. There are times when I stand up for what I believe, no shame. There are times when I withdraw to create a private moment, no shame. I lower the demands of my false self. Distorted old ideas are being removed. I celebrate the freedom of my true self.
Whether I am moving toward others, against others or away from others, I am always moving toward becoming who I am.
This is really helpful when dealing with people at work.