I labored under many illusions, not the least of which was the idea that I could
actually become the idealized image which I had created in order to survive. Given
enough time, I would realize all the lofty notions which I rehearsed; I would have the
unmitigated respect and love of all; I would become untouchable in my command of
everyone’s admiration.
I came very close. I even convinced myself at times that I had, in fact, arrived. It is indeed very lonely at the top. I would eventually fall from my lofty perch, my chief critic, my false self, reminding me of my imperfection every step of the way. And yet, ‘I will try harder next time,’ was my usual reaction after the shame subsided. ‘How could you have been so STUPID!?’ was usually the nucleus of my inner voice.
My actual self has no levels to exceed, no mountains to climb, and no people to impress. My real self does not have to ‘perform’ in order to live. It simply lives.
If new levels are achieved because of my acting on genuine interests, fine and dandy. If I climb a mountain and I reach the top, super! If I impress someone with my effort, all the better.
However, satisfying endless demands to ‘prove’ my worth is no longer a priority. That circus has left town.
I feel my feelings. I am centered. I meditate. I creatively visualize activity, activity for which I have a true interest. I act with purpose, hoping for certain outcomes. Sometimes I get the outcome I want; sometimes I don’t. My worth is no longer dependent on how well I perform.
I am enough.
growing up in a culture where every action is measured in verifiable results, leaves me with all the more reason to find my genuine self and express myself with all my might; if i am doing what i truly want to do, rare is the day that i am limited in temporary setbacks. setbacks can, in fact, be my teacher.