I spent a lot of time pining over the past or worrying about the future. I rarely enjoyed a moment’s rest. My mind constantly reviewed past actions involving myself and others. I was not guilty one day, and then, guilty the next. Back and forth it would go, the volume out of control: loss upon loss, error upon error.
I told myself the future would be different. I would better control unfolding events. I would perform better. I would not make the same mistakes. I would maintain a vigilance unmatched, and this vigilance would assure the outcome I wanted.
Even when the ‘good times’ appeared, even when I got what I wanted, there appeared the ‘what ifs’: What if my grades aren’t good enough? What if she says no? What if the car breaks down? What if the plane crashes? What if we can’t find a hotel? What if we run out of money?
Today is the day. Now is the time. I have what I need to be who I am, right now: food, clothing, shelter, trusted friends, and reliable family members (perhaps). Regardless of where I am in the Steps, I have hope. Hope that ‘things’, while they may not get better overnight, will most assuredly get different over time. They say, time takes time.
I practice staying in the moment. I practice feeling my feelings. I practice remaining awake.
I find with each moment’s passing that I am, in fact, buying time, time needed to recover my lost self.
Some moments are ‘better’ than others.
Each moment is strangely different.
And for me, ‘different’ is a good thing.
I liked this reading.
Being present is a great gift.
I often find myself worrying about what happened or what COULD happen, and so many times I find comfort in thinking “I am EXACTLY where I need to be, even if that place is super uncomfortable. If I wasn’t right where the universe needed me to be, I wouldn’t be there”. I can often come away learning something about myself.
I really like the idea that if the universe wanted me some where else that is where I would be. Embrace the moment! Live to the fullest!