How I thought about myself and other people determined all my behavior. Most of my actions were motivated by unconscious forces, operating in unison to assure my survival. I had practiced these reactions enough times that they had become routine. Some would even say that my having a ‘choice’ in much of my behavior was mere fantasy. And yet, I took great pride in this idealized moral system of right and wrong, good and bad. This false pride, well established by adulthood, came with a high price when I failed its demands, the price of hating my actual self, that part of myself that was charged with living up to the perfectionist standards.
And when others failed, I unleashed criticism and resentment. Even in the face of
great anxiety and depression, I marched on, hoping to one day appease this monster I
had created, this false self.
The Fourth Step suggests that I thoroughly review, as best I can, the moral system upon which I have based my actions of the past. I am allowed all the time I need. I am encouraged to continue my journey regardless of the difficulty. I grow confident in my search for old dysfunctional ideas, lurking at the core of my false self, old ideas that continue to set me up for disappointment.
The Fifth Step invites the review of my old moral system as it relates to one deciding
question: how well is the system working? Am I better off, having demanded more
from myself and others than could ever be delivered? Is it time to let up on my actual
self to always perform perfectly? Is it time to lower my expectations?
This is my life. I have a choice.
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